As of recently I have been a dull light. My ideas are buried and unexamined in the far corers of my mind and my opinions are shallow and emotionless. I used to be challenged; even if by myself. I have no time for things anymore, to be challenged or to challenge. I'm consumed by my jobs, gaining money, saving money, spending money, breathing money, living money, my vision is tinted green and everything is less beautiful. I need something bigger than me. You are lost, he is gone, they are far, and she is new. Stable, I am too stable; put me in danger all ready. Rip me apart, push me away, kick me out, boil my blood, PUSH ME. Slap me,wake up my nerve endings and maybe they connect to my spirit. Make me go again, I say to everyone. I need to spend more time alone, saying these things to me. I can free me, push me, challenge me, hurt me, love me, hate me, fix me, and make me, better than anyone. It's a shame I don't know myself well enough to start conversation anymore. It's time to go.

I came here to prove my worth. I came on promises I made to a father who's two years in the ground. I came here with intentions of success. I'm not worthless, I surely didn't break a promise, I haven't failed, but I haven't done much of anything else. I'm not failing but not failing doesn't coincide with success. I'm just staying even.  I'm not sad or mad at life or within life...

last night me and sawyer were taking a walk at 11pm or 12pm around ashland. We talked about the beautiful houses, the porches we wanted to sit on and the ones we didn't. Where we would live and where we wouldn't, but the both of us concluded that we would not live in any of these beautiful houses or any of the mediocre ones in surrounding. That however amazing and settling and comforting it must be to live in those houses: we couldn't imagine breathing. How do they feel? Physically...how can their bodies feels? The house is rigid and plain; and beautiful but beautiful doesn't feel, beauty just invokes artificial feeling. And I felt bad for them; what a sad life of mediocrity. Well today I realized that I can't feel either, nor is my house beautiful.

So, where does this leave me? It leaves me on my way to class. With stale, cheap coffee, bad breath, and sad texts from you explaining indirectly that we are in the same place, same exact place.

so I may start using this again,

Im online more these days. I just have to find people again. and think of thins to write about.

Im happy. life is on the up and up.

ahhh xanga your always here for me with your digital love.