so if you havent been informed...you who read this blog...meaning no one haha I left about a week and some days ago for the west coast. filled in jordans spot in the station wagon to load up and go to monterey and then portland oregon. Im in Cali right now, hollywoodish area. we stayed in ohio drove to tennessee stayed there drove to arizona stayed there. then out to cali and now up to Monterey which is more north of here. We've been stopping in town to busk for money. lauren playes her guitar and ryan played his uke. I just sit and freddy he usually walks around with zaphod. Ive seen some beautiful things and beautiful people. it's been amazing actually. I wish I had more time to write but i cant write in the car because its too distracting and when we stop places theres always shit to be done. hopefully I remember the details i want to. i saw cassie last night which felt more than good. a familiar face was needed and it being her was like the cherry on top. I miss my friends. Ive talked to rachel everyday, it helps me a lot. i love that girl so so much. i text everyone when i can and some people i try to not text so much, so i dont agitate them-impose on their alone time.

My emotion have been up and down. When i have time to write is when I feel most at ease.

My traveling companions are good. lauren is a little young and our humor doesnt quiet match up. Freddy is set in his opinions and sometimes very wrong which is aggravating but i dont care enough to say anything. Ryan is a good guy but a little caught up in lauren. Theyre all a lot different from me. but good.. the boys are a little touchy feely, i try to sleep alone when I can.

my thrpat is very sore, it's upsetting. im ready to relax in one spot for a while. make some friends and actually do somethings, not just ride in the car and stay in people familys houses.

overall I am happy, overall I miss you, overall myself is closer to I.

As of recently I have been a dull light. My ideas are buried and unexamined in the far corers of my mind and my opinions are shallow and emotionless. I used to be challenged; even if by myself. I have no time for things anymore, to be challenged or to challenge. I'm consumed by my jobs, gaining money, saving money, spending money, breathing money, living money, my vision is tinted green and everything is less beautiful. I need something bigger than me. You are lost, he is gone, they are far, and she is new. Stable, I am too stable; put me in danger all ready. Rip me apart, push me away, kick me out, boil my blood, PUSH ME. Slap me,wake up my nerve endings and maybe they connect to my spirit. Make me go again, I say to everyone. I need to spend more time alone, saying these things to me. I can free me, push me, challenge me, hurt me, love me, hate me, fix me, and make me, better than anyone. It's a shame I don't know myself well enough to start conversation anymore. It's time to go.